Summer 2020.

Through this improvised dance performance, I was reflecting on the horrors of love addiction. It was done when I was very deep in this addiction and my beloved one was using it to get his needs satisfied (not only physical but financial too) while manipulating me emotionally. Lockdown was making the situation even worse, causing even more insecurity about the future than one already gets when they are lovesick. All the fear, pain and desperation I felt, all the stupidity and awkwardness and helplessness of the situation of being stuck in this foul place and seeing no way out I express here. This performance is just as horrible and awkward as love addiction itself is.

My later performance STRINGS is the upgrade of this one, which makes the topic wider.

It's scientifically proved that love is a strong drug, comparable to heroin in the amount of neuromediators it releases and the abstinence syndrome it causes. Of course, love is a natural drug and exists for a reason, but it's only good if everything in relationships goes well. If anything goes wrong it can destroy a person. Unlike with addiction to substances, in case of love, you are addicted to something you can not buy or beg, and there is nothing you can do to improve your state, except try to switch to substances to distract yourself from the lovesickness, and it leads to addictions multiplying. Psychiatric treatment is also not very effective, because lovesickness is still not officially on the list of mental illnesses (tho it is already proven it is one, it not only changes how one's brain works but also gives many terrible physical symptoms, often unbearable cramps) so there are no established programs for treating it. Often what is offered in psychotherapy in these cases is to work with boundaries, but love addiction has nothing to do with the lack of boundaries, it is a different issue. As well as it has nothing to do with lack of willpower. 

The way out can look different for every person. I am in remission now and I don't feel any romantic love, and I hope never anymore, I've felt enough of it already in my life and got abused too badly ever to want it again, but there are no guarantees an addiction will not come back. I've been in a lot of psychotherapy and tried many medication schemes, and the scheme I have now (that includes medication against mania) seems to working for me. The message of this performance is - romantic love is dangerous and should be taken seriously. It is not something we choose, nor is it a game (when played with, can end deadly for someone). Love addiction is different from other addictions (like substance addictions or sex addiction), and there should be programs specialised in helping with it. Unfortunately, it's not beneficial for patriarchy to have such programs, as men benefit a lot from exploiting the love addictions of women that they find attractive, and even learn to manipulate in certain ways to inflict such addictions (on special pick-up courses). It is a form of abuse, which I survived multiple times.

Sources:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/02/140206155244.htm (What falling in love does to your heart and brain)

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/413183 (Love and heart desiase)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pickup_artist (About pickupers)